Finding Hope in the Waiting (Part 1)

I’ve done a lot of waiting in my life. In fact, I can divide my life into things I’ve waited for:

When I was a kid, waiting for Christmas and my birthday were the biggest waiting events, of course. As the years went by I waited for a boyfriend, waited for a husband, waited for a baby, waited for a cure, waited for healing, waited for answers, and I am sure there is more waiting to come.

Waiting, waiting, waiting. I should be good at it by now, right?

I stink at waiting.

I used to deal with waiting times by looking for a specific lesson in each period of waiting. I would tell myself “God is teaching me something. If I hurry up and learn it, the waiting will end.”

This formula for waiting was interwoven with another formula I lived by- a deal I made with God- the “If I do my best to live right, You will give me a good life” deal.

This formula for life worked somewhat until the waiting for a baby period of my life. When the wait reached beyond two years, I began looking for the lesson so that I could hurry up and learn it and become a mom. I was convinced that God was teaching me to be content. So here’s how the process unfolded.

I would work myself up into a state of great contentedness, and announce loudly about how content I was. After a while I would grow less content and pout and get angry and forget that I was supposed to be content. Then I would get mad because my formula wasn’t working, and, I would point out to God that He wasn’t keeping His part of the I do my best, You give me a good life deal. (Did I mention that God never actually agreed to this deal that I made up?)

Then after a while, I would go into another state of great contentedness and the cycle would go again. And again. And at the end of these cycles, my poor confused husband would say things like. “But yesterday you said you were content.” And I would throw things and yell really profound things like, “Well today I’m NOT!”

After 9 years and 2 miscarriages, I began to rethink my formula and my deal with God. Maybe something bigger was going on, something more than learning the lesson.

After one of our miscarriages, my husband very wisely pointed out (after making sure I didn’t have anything in my hands to throw), “Erin, your desire to be a mother is from God. He has given that to you, and He will put it to use in some way. It may not be through our own children. It may be through adoption, or teaching Sunday School, or being in a ministry to children, or in a way we can’t even see right now. But He will use it. It won’t be wasted.”

I believe God gave him those words, because they pierced right through my heart.

In all my formulaic-living and deal-making with God, I had forgotten that this was about more than wanting children. I had forgotten that God’s heart was toward me. That He had given this desire for His  reasons. And He would bring His reasons about at just the right time.

And in those moments, when I pictured God’s tenderness toward me and His plans for me, trust began to grow. Before that moment, I trusted God with my salvation, but I didn’t really trust His heart for me in day-to-day life. Because of my deal (the one I made up), I was convinced that God was watching, waiting for me to slip up. I saw God as critiquing me instead of gazing lovingly at His child.

But when I caught a glimpse of His heart for me, my view of God changed. Instead of looking at God with my arms crossed defensively and my chin raised defiantly, prepared for His criticism, I could approach Him as a child, grasp His hand and say “I’m having trouble with this, will You help me?”

I’ve found that the times of waiting in my life have been about much more than learning the lesson. I have learned many lessons during the waiting times. But, more importantly, during the waiting I’ve learned to trust God’s heart toward me. And it makes me want to turn toward Him more and more.

I still stink at waiting, and I have been known to still throw an item or two, but I am finding that the more I focus on God’s love toward me, and trust His heart toward me, the more I get to know Him during the waiting times. And knowing Him is the deepest desire of my heart.

May the God of all hope and comfort draw you close during your waiting times too.