story – Erin Ulerich

Fighting For Hope Through Waves of Grief

Missing Robert

Grief is a tricky beast. It hides and makes you think you’ve “dealt”, you’ve “moved on”, and then it hits out of nowhere like a tsunami on a sunny day.

We don’t talk about him very much, but we miss him.

I miss the way he said “Well, hello there!” when he called around this time each year to get ideas for the kids’ Christmas presents.

Over the past 2 years, there have been plenty of What ifs, plenty of What could have been done conversations, but the bottom line is that while he didn’t he make the choice to die from his drug use, he made the decision to use drugs.

He made the decision to refuse help. “No program is going to help me,” he said, and that is when I knew he had decided to stop fighting for hope.

It was a decision that defied logic. He had been clean for years, so many years that my children only knew the fun Uncle Robert.

The Uncle Robert who helped them catch fireflies in the summer and who shot a zillion fireworks with them on New Year’s Eve.

It was a decision that led down a dark path, a path filled with cover-ups, half truths, and out right lies.

It was a decision that robbed us of our brother, friend, uncle, and son.

It was also a decision borne out of a daily battle to stay on the right path, a million unseen, un-applauded decisions made over the years of being sober. A battle he fought on his own.

He didn’t have to fight alone. We, his family, would have loved to celebrate victories with him. We would have loved to applaud his successes.

But we didn’t see the burden he carried until it was too late.

By the time we saw, his mind had already been turned upside down. By then, he had bought the lie that our words of hope and encouragement hid ulterior motives and that his drug dealer friends were the only ones who could be trusted.

Isn’t that the biggest twist of irony?

The people cooking the poison that killed him had convinced him that he was no longer alone because they had rescued him when no one else would.

The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. That is the game plan he followed with Robert, and the story he seeks to write for all of us through all kinds of addictions. If our enemy can keep our focus on numbing the pain in our life, he keeps our focus off of living the life we were meant to live.

Life that gives hope, that looks forward to the future, that believes that change is possible.

So many of Robert’s years were marked by his struggle, but that struggle was not who he was. He was self-less to a fault, fun to be around, and he loved his kids. That’s the legacy I choose to remember.

At the same time, I can’t ignore his last months and days. They are filled with somber warning. They remind me that when I listen to the lies of the dark, when I give in to my own struggles and try to numb out, I am one decision away from stepping on the same path that stole him from us.

Helping Others Fight for Hope

I am excited to have Stefani Carmichael as a guest today. Not only is Stefani is one of the Hope Warriors in my life, she is also a Hope Warrior in the lives of the teen girls that live in her dorm.

She is gifted at helping the girls see the lies that they are believing, and encouraging them to replace those lies with truth. For some of these girls, she is the first person in their lives to teach them how to fight for hope, especially when their circumstances feel hopeless.

Stefani also blogs at heartsoulstrengthandmind.com , so be sure to jump over to her site and check it out.

***************

Helping Others Fight for Hope

What is harder than being in a black hole?

Harder than being in the middle of a fog in your life and not seeing your way out?

In my experience, the only thing harder than that is seeing those you love sink down into that pit and knowing you cannot pull them out.

Recognizing that you cannot pull someone out of the pit is really the first step of being able to help them. I learned this the hard way. If you will expend all your energy trying to pull them out, you might get pulled into it in the process.

At the same time, you can help someone who needs hope. You cannot force them to have hope. You can’t manhandle them into feeling better.

You can inspire, encourage, and support them in their fight. You are not Rocky Balboa, you are one of those in his corner.

I am approaching this topic with lessons I have learned through experience. In the process of gaining experience we often make mistakes along the way, and I certainly have. When I write about what not to do, it’s because I have probably done it at some point in my life. I hope anytime I have made mistakes in this area, that those battling with me will extend me grace and understand the heart I have had to help.

It would be incredibly difficult to help someone fight for hope if you have never been in a situation in which you felt hopeless. I imagine we have all been to that place, but if such a time doesn’t come to mind, you might first want to take a step back and remember.

When you remember the weight of your own battle, you will be better equipped to support someone in their own time of need.

This time of remembering prepares you to listen.

This sounds easy, but Iistening well is often the hardest part. When someone you love is in a pit, you want so much for them to be out and back to normal. You may be tempted to think you know what is wrong and just jump to solutions. Don’t.

You may even know what they need to do. You may even understand. But telling them is not going to get them where they need to be. Because someone who is hopeless is not going to automatically believe you know what you are talking about and can help them.

From their perspective, there is no way out.

From their perspective, things could probably not look any bleaker.

For them to listen to any suggestions or advice, they first have to know you understand the serious position they are in. You show them this by intently listening to them, rephrasing what they have said to make sure you really do understand.

This process is also essential, because you may not understand as much as you think you do. You may have experienced a similar situation, but that doesn’t mean that your pain is the same as their pain.

There is no timeline for how long you stay in this stage with someone. There may be a lot of listening involved with some people before they believe you understand.

It may take one conversation or several before you get to the point to move forward.

When you understand well, it is time to share. The point of sharing is not to say, “That’s nothing, look at all I have been through.” Its not to compare pain. If it comes off looking this way to the person who is struggling, it will do more harm than good.

The point of sharing is to let the other person know you also have suffered in your life, and while it may have been a very different situation, you found your way out of the suffering.

This is the point where you can begin to offer hope.

The hope comes in the message that if you walked through the blackness and found yourself back in the light, against all appearances, they also can find themselves in the light again.

This doesn’t have to come from just your story. The Bible is full of stories of those who were in seemingly hopeless situations, sometimes for a very long time, before God’s deliverance.

The stories of Abraham, Joseph, the Israelites in the wilderness, Ruth, Esther, Nehemiah, and countless others attest to incredibly bleak situations that did not remain bleak.

God’s word provides encouragement to those who are in the middle of dark places. These stories entailed long periods of difficulty and do not look anything like the band-aid fixes people often offer those in the middle of serious struggles.

People in the middle of difficulty don’t need to be led into a false hope that everything will change quickly. They need a surer hope that keeps them moving when they do not see the end of their struggle in sight.

They need the hope of a 75-year-old Abraham who still doesn’t have the child of promise and won’t for over 20 more years. They need the hope of Joseph whose troubles did not end with his promotion as a slave, or even when the chief cupbearer was restored to his position. They need the hope of Esther who saw a 360 degree change from complete despair to rejoicing overnight.

Point them to the Hope-Giver

All these stories offer hope because situations changed dramatically. Dark situations are so pivotal, because in the middle of them we can give ourselves over to despair if we let ourselves.

The stories above do not simply offer hope because they show that we might find our situation change if we just keep going. They offer hope because the people in these situations have a relationship with the Hope-Giver.

The God who we can trust, who has the power to change things for our good gives hope, because he is the only one who can really change our darkest situations.

At the beginning, I wrote how understanding that you can’t pull someone out of their dark pit is essential in offering hope. But, it is also essential to understand that God can.

God is fully able to change things. And he gives promises to do just that. When a fellow brother or sister in Christ is in the pit, you can offer hope-giving promises to them.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

This verse is used so much for a very good reason. It has inspired people in their darkest hours for centuries. If you love God, this verse is a message of hope for you. Its not a band-aid to stick on a problem. It shouldn’t be thrown to someone before you have sat with them in their grief. All of Romans 8 is an encouragement to those who suffer deeply. If you read it through in entirety you see in verse 38 that this promise meant for the most difficult of situations:

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38

We are hearing this from a man who is currently under house arrest, has faced beatings and being pelted with stones. He has survived a shipwreck and has a perpetual “thorn in the flesh.” Paul knows suffering when he writes this.

Do something Tangible

God’s sovereignty is a huge comfort, but it is not an excuse for inaction. You know you can’t lift someone from their pit, but you can help.

The good Samaritan did not pass by, and if our heart is aligned with God’s heart, neither will we.

Pray and ask God to show you what you can do in the person’s situation. It may be as small as flowers, or as big as getting church leaders involved to help someone financially beyond what you are capable. Sometimes there are actions we can do to help another significantly in their distress. While you don’t want to enable destructive patterns, there is a time and place for significant help.

Tangible assistance can also be things that help with their mental battle—these things need not be physical. Perhaps they are believing lies that are destructive. Have them write them out on paper, and then work with them to change each lie to a true statement that offers hope.

Walk with them

Finally, stay in the picture. Hope warriors are in a battle. Don’t just show up for the first round of the fight, stick around to see the victory.

They may need help planning steps in the right direction. Have them write out their goals and see if there are proactive steps they can take now to move in that direction. Help them plan those steps in, and cheer for them when they get past an obstacle or do something that leads them in the right direction.

There will be days when they will struggle again. They will need fresh encouragement along the way. We are all works in progress, but thankfully God’s work in us will one day be complete.

Pray

Throughout the entire process, pray. God is the one who can change things. He is the one who can give hope. He is the one who can give wisdom both to you and to the one struggling. Cry out to him, and rely on the promises he gives to his children.

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

Stefani Carmichael is an author, counselor, wife, daughter, mom and houseparent of teenage girls. She blogs at heartsoulstrengthandmind.com

Fighting for Hope When Things Don’t Make Sense

When the kids were little they would often say, “Mama, tell me a story!”

I would begin, “Once upon a time there were three little pigs. One built his house out of LEGOs, one built his house out of candy…”

“That’s not the way the story goes!” The kids would giggle. Or, if they weren’t in silly moods, they would cross their arms and grouch. “No! Tell it right.”

It was fun to mix up the stories. But these day I feel like I am in a story that isn’t going the way I think it should.

As I look through the Bible, I see that I’m not alone. God has always had a way of doing unexpected things. He often chose the smallest, the weakest, the most unusual way.

He promised Abraham that he would be the father of a great nation when Abraham and Sarah were too old to even have children. And then had them wait for years before Isaac was born.

He put David, the young shepherd boy, against the giant Goliath holding only a sling and a few stones.

I love reading these accounts in the Bible. I love the way God shows His power through these situations. But living out these types of stories in the year 2017 is another matter altogether. When the events are happening In real time it’s harder to trace the hand of God through the shadowy twists and turns.

In the midst of these shadows my heart whispers, “This isn’t the way the story goes, is it, God?”

And in the midst of my confusion, even as I’m questioning God, I am looking in the right direction.

When I don’t understand what God is doing, I can lean toward Him and ask. And I have. In the dark of night, in the light of day, I have asked question after question.

I’m sure you have, too.

I fully believe God can handle our asking, our ranting, our anger. I’ve found that when I seek Him, He answers gently, not through direct answers to my questions, but in revealing more about Himself.

These times make me ask Do I really know God? Do I know Him for who He says He is or do I know the version I’ve made up?

Because in these confusing times, the version we make up isn’t going to stand. These confusing times cause us to question God, to really look at Him, maybe for the first time.

He knows we don’t really need “because” statements to match our “whys”. We need Him.

Knowing God leads to trust. The more we know Him, and the more we know His tender love for us, the more we can trust His Hand in our lives.

And as I fix my gaze on who He is and who I am to Him, I find that I can trust Him with the unknown. I find that I can say, “I don’t know why this is happening, but I do know You. And I will trust what You are doing.” I can cling to his promise of His steadfast love and plentiful redemption.

Because at the heart of God, is this:

For in Him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. (Colossians 1:19-20, ESV)

At the heart of God, the driving force behind His actions is to reconcile, to restore. To bring His people before His face. He works in and through the brokenness of this world to bring about wholeness in Him. Through the grief, through the tragedy, we can track His heart.

What does this matter? How does it connect with fighting for hope?

My measure of God is the measure of my hope. If I believe God is small, powerless, unable to save – my hope will be, at best, based on my current mood.

But if I see His majesty and power, in Scripture and in my life, my hope will be an anchor that keeps me steady in spite of mood or circumstance.

Hope that anchors reminds us of His promises. Hope that anchors reminds us of His character. Hope that anchors reminds us who we are to Him. This hope gives us strength to continue fighting, even when things don’t make sense.

God’s Vision for their Future

Day 7

God’s Vision for The Helpless

It is dangerous to our comfort zones to pray about something that is close to God’s heart, to use God’s Word to remind Him of what He has said He would do for the helpless.

Stepping into the brokenness of the world is not meant to be comfortable. It will stretch us and test our faith, but it is what we are called to do.

When we plead with God to remember His promises to be a helper to the helpless, a father to the fatherless and a refuge to the oppressed, we just may hear a still, small voice asking us, Will you be the way I keep my promises?

His vision for the helpless includes you and me.

“Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their afflictions, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.” (James 1:27)

The concept of visiting in James 1:27 is the idea of helping, of stretching out a hand of relief. What will this look like? The answer to that question is as varied as our gifts and abilities.

It may be helping with physical needs, encouraging through notes and birthday cards, prayer, through giving financially, or a combination of these.

When we answer God’s invitation to become part of His plan of redeeming the brokenness, acknowledging His sovereignty means that we listen for His voice and follow His leading. The more our view and vision matches with God’s, the more we will see His hand at work.

Because of God’s sovereignty, we don’t have to feel rushed, or desperate or pressured. We can prayerfully and purposefully respond to the needs He places in front of us.

As we follow God’s leading to reach out to the helpless, we can pray that through the twists and turns in their life, they will see their need for Him, and that, one day, they will see Him face to face.

What limitations come to mind when you think about stepping into the brokenness of our world? What do these verses say about God’s limitations?

Jeremiah 32:17,27

Job 42:2

1 Corinthians 2:9

2 Corinthians 9:8

*********************************

We’ve made it to Day 7, but there ‘s more! Check back tomorrow for a bonus Day 8: How Could I Make A Difference? I’m Only One Person.

Don’t want miss out on any of the fighting-for-hope encouragement that goes on around here? Sign up for our mailing list in the sidebar.

Getting Involved in Orphan Care

Suffering & God’s Sovereignty

♥ ♥ Day 6 ♥ ♥

God’s view of suffering

As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.” (John 9:1-3)

In His Sovereignty, God gave this man the condition of blindness at birth. He was unable to change his situation without God’s direct intervention.

In the suffering we see and experience, we don’t have Jesus standing there, explaining the purpose for the suffering. In fact, in the moment, it is very hard to see how suffering can bring God glory.

In Growing Your Faith, Jerry Bridges sums up three truths God’s Word teaches us about God and our adversities in this way:

God is completely sovereign. God is infinite in wisdom. God is perfect in love. God in His love always wills what is best for us. In His wisdom, He always knows what is best. And in His sovereignty, He has the power to bring it about.

These assurances can change the way we react to suffering. They give us the ability to look for evidence of God working in the darkness. They give us confidence to pray God’s words back to Him.

We can respectfully say, “Your Word says that You are the helper of the fatherless. It says that You have not forsaken the needy.” And we can pray for God to act.

In His Sovereignty He places each of us right where we are.

In His Sovereignty He uses suffering in our stories to bring us to Himself.

What is God’s view of suffering? What is His goal?

Romans 8:28

Psalm 40:1-3

2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Romans 5:1-11

James 1:2-4

1 Peter 1:3-7

************************************

This is Day 6 of The Hope of the Helpless, a 7-day devotional I wrote as a guide for praying for orphans.

The Hope of the Helpless walks us through God’s heart for the helpless, His vision for their future, and His gracious invitation to join Him in caring for them.

In honor of the International Day of Prayer for Orphans, I am posting a devotional from The Hope of the Helpless each day this week.

I am looking forward to your responses, to having real conversations about orphan care, and to talking through your questions.

If you would like to receive these posts directly to your inbox, subscribe to my mailing list on the sidebar.

Since God is King, What is Our Response to His Kingship?

♥ ♥ Day 4 ♥ ♥

Our Response to God’s Kingship

When God brought His people out of Egypt, He was their only hope.

Powerless to change their circumstances, they were at the mercy of a human ruler who showed no mercy. When God stepped in, He showed His power and authority over the Egyptians gods through the plagues. Then he went head to head with Pharaoh. This way of delivering His people was meant to show His absolute rule. “…and the Egyptians shall know that I am the Lord.” (Exodus 14:4)

And His people’s response?

Worship

“Israel saw the great power that the Lord used against the Egyptians, so the people feared the Lord, and they believed in the Lord and in his servant Moses. Then Moses and the people of Israel sang this song to the Lord…” (Exodus 14:31-15:1)

When we see God’s Kingship firsthand, worship is our first response.

1 Chronicles 16:24-25

1 Chronicles 29:10-13

Psalm 67

Psalm 115

Psalm 5:11

Trust

What about the times when God works in ways we don’t understand? Times when He doesn’t do what we think He should when we think He should?

What is our response to His Kingship then?

He is still King.

We can cling to the kind of King He is and His heart toward the helpless.

We can tell Him we don’t understand. We won’t be the first to bring that up with Him. As King, he has no obligation to share His plans with us.

In His grace and mercy, He proves His character and shares His promises with us in His Word. And that is our anchor in times of questioning.

Isaiah 45:9-10,18 Psalm 20:7

Job 38-41 Psalm 31:14-15,24

Job 42:1-6 Psalm 37:5-7

Proverbs 3:5-6 Psalm 62:8

Psalm 13:5

Which verses stood out to you most today?

***********************************************************

This is Day 4 of The Hope of the Helpless, a 7-day devotional I wrote as a guide for praying for orphans.

The Hope of the Helpless walks us through God’s heart for the helpless, His vision for their future, and His gracious invitation to join Him in caring for them.

In honor of the International Day of Prayer for Orphans, I am posting a devotional from The Hope of the Helpless each day this week.

I am looking forward to your responses, to having real conversations about orphan care, and to talking through your questions.

If you would like to receive these posts directly to your inbox, subscribe to my mailing list on the sidebar.

If God Is King, What Kind of King Is He?

♥♥Day 3♥♥

What Kind of King is He?

Having someone in authority over us is fearful when we don’t know what they are going to do with their power. On the human level we have experienced leaders who wielded their authority in abusive ways.

If God is in control, what is He going to do with that control?

What kind of King is He?

He is the kind of King who was so concerned with our salvation, so moved by His desire to see His people face to face in eternity, that He who was 100% God also became 100% man.

Jesus went through the cities and villages, proclaiming the Gospel and healing every disease and every affliction. When He saw the crowds, He had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. (Matthew 9:35-36)

Jesus knew the people in the crowds were created for more than being harassed and helpless. He healed them physically to show His power to heal them spiritually as well.

He is the kind of King who lived in the broken world we live in and has felt every emotion we feel.

He knows what it is like to be abandoned.

He knows what it is like to feel broken-hearted over the helpless.

Knowing what kind of King God is helps us trust Him, especially when we don’t understand what He is doing.

When His path is untraceable, we can trust His heart.

List the words and phrases that describe the kind of King God is.

Isaiah 54:10 Psalm 12:5-8

Psalm 99:4-5 Psalm 146:9-10

Psalm 10: 16-18 Psalm 147:5

Deut. 10:14-15, 17-18 Zephaniah 3:17

Psalm 9:7-10 Hebrews 4:14-16

Psalm 107

***********************************************

This is Day 3 of The Hope of the Helpless, a 7-day devotional I wrote as a guide for praying for orphans.

The Hope of the Helpless walks us through God’s heart for the helpless, His vision for their future, and His gracious invitation to join Him in caring for orphans.

In honor of the International Day of Prayer for Orphans on November 11, I am posting a devotional from The Hope of the Helpless each day this week.

I am looking forward to your responses, to having real conversations about orphan care, and to talking through your questions.

If you would like to receive these posts directly to your inbox, subscribe to my mailing list on the sidebar.

Orphan Care and Our View of God

There are 153 million orphans in the world.

That fact brings many questions to mind, but mainly “Why?”

Why are there so many orphans?

The International Day of Prayer for Orphans is a great time to ask questions, to begin finding out about the situation of orphans in America and around the world.

There was a time when I didn’t know much about orphans, or orphanages, or street children. It was one of “those problems out there” that didn’t really impact my life. That changed 10 years ago, when Matthew and Sheila Nasekos made the ~~crazy~~, ~~questionable~~, bold commitment to adopt a 13-year-old girl named Karina from an orphanage on the other side of the world.

I’m so thankful they followed God’s leading. The ripple effect of their decision has been life-changing for many others, including Karina, of course.

Then there was Vladick, the little boy who God gave me a mother’s heart for, and yet closed every door in our adoption process.

That heart-breaking journey involved wrestling with some pretty big questions about who God is, about the way He works, and about His ability to work on behalf of the helpless.

Orphan care brings us face-to-face with our view of God. How big do we believe He is? How powerful? Can He really work in desperate situations? What about when He doesn’t work in ways that we think He should?

One ripple effect of my journey is The Hope of the Hopeless, a 7-day devotional on praying for orphans that I would love to share with you this week.

The Hope of the Helpless brings us to the perfect place to start when it comes to orphan care: God’s heart for the helpless, His vision for their future, and His gracious invitation to join Him in caring for orphans.

I will post a devotional each day this week. I am looking forward to your responses, to having real conversations about orphan care, and to talking through your questions.

Even the tough ones, my friend.

When Jesus Turns Things Upside Down

Jesus often said and did the unexpected.

He turned things upside down and left people perplexed.

When the rich young ruler approached Jesus, he was confident that he was in good standing with God. The prevailing thought of the day was that riches proved that God was pleased with you. Add that to his rule-keeping, and he was practically guaranteed to inherit eternal life, right?

This man was trusting in what his religious culture said about his wealth.

And then Jesus asked him to give away the very thing that his trust was wrapped up in to the poor- the very people that he was certain God was not pleased with.

In one simple conversation “Jesus exposed in that man the thing that he treasured more than he treasured God.”

Jesus turned things upside down.

Nicodemus wasn’t confident he was in good standing with God, but he knew he was on the right path. He was, after all, a respected Pharisee.

And yet something in Jesus’ teachings led him to go to Jesus in secret.

In one statement, Jesus rocked the world Nicodemus had carefully built during a lifetime of serving the Lord.

Unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.

The despair in his response leaps off the page. How can a man be born when he is old?

Seeing the kingdom of God was the focus of Nicodemus’ entire life.

“What if Jesus had told Nicodemus,’You need to work harder and trust God more’? Nicodemus could have gone home and tried to do better. But Jesus was emptying Nicodemus of any hope he had of fixing himself.

One sentence emptied Nicodemus of all of his self-centered schemes for rightness with God.”

He spent his life seeking God, but his trust was in the seeking, not in God.

Jesus turned things upside down.

The Samaritan woman at the well knew she wasn’t favored by God. She definitely knew she didn’t have a chance of being right with God.

After all, she had messed up way too much, searching for a relationship that would make her feel loved. Everyone, including her, knew that for a fact.

And yet, when Jesus revealed that her hope in relationships would always leave her thirsty and pointed her toward Himself, she recognized her need for Him.

When Jesus turned things upside down for her, she saw that things were finally right.

Jesus turned things upside down for these three to reveal that what they were trusting in could never fully satisfy. He poked holes in their false hopes so they could see that their need of Him, the source of lasting Hope.

And He does the same for us.

Sometimes we are the young ruler trusting in social status or rule-keeping. Other times we are Nicodemus, hoping that our service to God, our sacrifice, our theological knowledge will make us complete. And, more often than not, we are the Samaritan woman, hoping to find love and a sense of worth through relationships.

Jesus turns things upside down so that we can see Him clearly, run to Him readily, and follow Him closely.

Quotes are from the workbook Behold Your God: Rethinking God Biblically by John Snyder