you are not alone – Page 6

The Ever-Changing Perfect Mom Standard

I completely lost it on my kids. Last Sunday. Twenty minutes before Sunday School. Twenty minutes before I had to teach Sunday School.

I yelled. I made them cry. I stomped out of the room.

And I told myself I was a horrible mother.

Has this ever happened to you?

I’ve been running from the “Horrible Mother” status and chasing the “Perfect Wife and Mom” status for years. And I totally believe it’s unattainable, because I keep changing the standard.

In the early years of our marriage, I felt that I was a good wife if I made cornbread every night at supper. Every night. (Can you tell I’m Southern?) My mom had cornbread at every meal, and her mom always had cornbread. No one ever told me I HAD to make cornbread, but I labeled it as the perfect wife standard.

Finally, one night, Stephen looked at the skillet of cornbread and said, “You know, I don’t really like cornbread.”

Goodbye cornbread.

I’ve done the same thing as a mom. For a time I felt that if I had pitchers of sweet tea (Can’t get away from being a Southern girl!) and Kool-aid in the fridge, I was a good mama. I had to let go of that standard because we really didn’t need to be consuming that much sugar.

Last night I realized that I have another arbitrary standard of being a perfect mom.

A full towel closet. I feel that if my family has towels for their bath times, I am a good mama.

I’m sure my husband wishes I had higher standards on other things, like dusting the baseboards, keeping the dirty laundry pile below waist level, and mopping the floor more often.

Bless his heart. I let go of having a clean house as a perfect mom standard when the kids were toddlers. If it happened, great. But if I had to choose between happy kids and a clean house, the kids were going to win. Every time.

I would like my kids to always have clean school uniforms, but there are days when we pull them out of the dirty clothes hamper and rock on.

I would prefer to send them off to school with smiles on their faces, ready to face the day. But there are some mornings when tears and frustration win the battles.

I would definitely want to not lose my temper with my children, but it does happen.

I can’t let these things determine if I’m living under horrible mom judgment or in perfect mom bliss.

Sunday afternoon, hours after the blow-up and after we’d all asked forgiveness and cleared the air, my youngest brought me a book she’d written and stapled together.

In this book, she gave four reasons.

You give me hugs when I’m upset.
You help me when I need it. You help me with homework.
You comfort me when I’m scared. When the tornado siren went off you comforted me.
You spend time with us. You play games with us.

Not a single mention of cornbread or sweet tea, or clean towels, or any other arbitrary standard I might have made up over the years. My girl loves me because she knows I love her. She knows this because I give her time, comfort, help, and hugs. And that’s the way I want it.

What about you? Do you have standards in mind that give you “Horrible Mother” or “Perfect Mother” status?

In honor of Mother’s Day, I would like to suggest that we stop judging ourselves based on ever-changing criteria that doesn’t really matter. Let’s choose a standard that matters in the long run. Let’s choose a standard that will impact our kids for the rest of their lives.

I want my kids to know that I love them, and I am for them.

That’s a perfect mom standard that will last.

When You Don’t Feel Like A Ninja

My daughter threw a sticky ninja onto our dining room ceiling this week. He has been there all week, just holding on. This sticky ninja perfectly describes the climate of our home All five of us are just hanging on while school-chaos, work-chaos, life-chaos swirls all around us.

We are usually pleasant people to be around. Pleasant people who can speak in complete sentences. But in this state of done-ness, we’ve settled for conversations that sound like:

She did it to me first!

Stop looking at me!

Go away!

Turn that music down!

It’s as if we are all wearing sandpaper on our skin, constantly abrasive, constantly irritated.

And our emotions are all over the place. Yesterday I had one child skipping around, excited about a field trip, and one child sobbing on my shoulder, I’m sick of school! Then I sat down and cried for half an hour about my son’s upcoming graduation from 6th grade. They were happy-celebrating-a-milestone tears, but they were still tears.

This milestone is hitting me hard and my husband is baffled. It’s just 6th grade, he keeps saying. But it’s so much more. I feel like we’ve come so far. I went from holding an infant, feeling the full responsibility of parenthood for the first time, to beholding a 100 pound man-cub standing in front of me. It’s just a bit overwhelming.

What about you? How are you these days?

Is life swirling around you, too? Are you just holding on, waiting for a chance to catch your breath? Are you feeling D-O-N-E?

I keep telling my 6th grader. You are so close to the finish line. Keep going, keep doing your best. You will be glad that you finished well.

And I want to whisper those same words to your heart and mine. Keep going, keep doing your best. Keep fighting for hope, even in the darkness. We never know how this stage in our journey will impact the next. We never really know who is inspired by our perseverance until it’s all over.

Hang on, my friend! Hang on like a sticky ninja!

Fighting For Those Who Can’t

I love this picture.

This, to me, is a picture of hope. It looks like it was painted by a happy girl who is excited about a birthday or a special occasion.

But it wasn’t. And that is what makes this a perfect picture of hope. This little hope fairy in all of its pink glory was painted by a young girl in an orphanage in Ukraine.

The orphanage she lives in is drab. Grey and neutral colors are everywhere, except for the art room tucked away in a large classroom on the second floor. It seems as though all the colors in the rainbow have been reserved for that one room in the entire orphanage.

And this is where our little hope artist painted a sweet fairy with her arms open wide, inviting life in with a smile on her face.

This little girl painted hope when her circumstances pointed toward hopelessness. She painted hope when nothing encouraged it. She painted hope even though nothing changed day after day.

This girl is a fighter. A hope warrior.

This picture makes me want to stretch out my hand to encourage this young hope warrior. I want to say “Don’t give up! Keep hoping. Keep your arms open toward life!” I know that there are days when her circumstances mock the spark of hope in her heart. I can hear their dark whispers: “You are nothing. Nobody wants you. What a waste.”

I want her to win.

I want her to experience the beauty of redemption .

Fighting for hope means clinging to redemption. It means believing that God can redeem- buy back, rescue from loss, ransom in full – situations and relationships in our lives. Because of the beauty of redemption we can stand firm and yell what Dan Allender calls “the quintessential cry of hope” in The Healing Path

God turned into good what you meant for evil. (Genesis 50:20, NLT)

I call it the war cry of hope fighters.

Fighting for hope means believing change can happen. It means leaning forward into each day, fighting for traction, for momentum that can move us forward – even an inch.

And that’s the thing about fighting for hope. As we fight we recognize other hope warriors and we want to cheer for them. We know how hard it is to keep hoping and we know that hope is worth fighting for.

Fighting for hope for those who can’t means reaching out a hand of encouragement to speak truth: This is not the end. God will work. And in the reminding, God shines and the darkness fades.

Would you like an opportunity to encourage a fellow hope warrior?

Let me introduce my friends Slavik and Alonya. They live out the beauty of redemption and they are some of the finest hope warriors I’ve met.

They began the Nasledie HeritageFoundation because they wanted to serve orphans and troubled children in Ukraine. They saw great needs all around them and began reaching out. Instead of getting overwhelmed and saying “The problem is too big. What difference could we make?” they stepped out in prayer and began making a difference in the lives of children.

Today they have teams that go into 18 different orphanages to do winter and summer camps, Christmas programs, and fun activities wrapped in the hope that only Christ can bring.

And when war began in Ukraine, they saw an opportunity to reach out to the refugees pouring into their city and they raised money to open a place to minister to these people in need.

To find out more about their amazing ministry check out their Facebook page – Nasledie Heritage Foundation – and their blog at nasledieukraine.blogspot.com. This site shares the story behind the ministry as well as opportunities to get involved.

Fighting for hope on behalf of those who can’t nurtures a spark of hope in their lives. And hope only needs a spark to grow.

The Beauty of Redemption

I love words and meanings. Lately I’ve had my sights set on the word Redemption and these hope-filled phrases: to ransom completely, to rescue from loss, to release, preserve, deliver by any means, rescue.

The Old and New Testaments paint a beautiful picture of redemption through verses like these:

“But God will ransom my soul from the power of Sheol…” Psalm 49:15

“Into Your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God.” Psalm 31:5

“The Lord redeems the life of His servants, none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.” Psalm 34:22

“He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” Colossians 1:13-14

From these verses we see that God is a God who fully rescues, who delivers by any means, who buys back.

I think this is beautiful because there is a lot in my life that needs to be redeemed. This truth is comforting: If God fully rescues and preserves and delivers by any means then my fight for hope is not in vain.

Fighting for hope means clinging to redemption. It means believing that God can redeem- buy back, rescue from loss, ransom in full – situations and relationships in our lives. Because of the beauty of redemption we can stand firm and yell what Dan Allender calls “the quintessential cry of hope” in The Healing Path

God turned into good what you meant for evil. (Genesis 50:20, NLT)

I call it the war cry of hope fighters.

Fighting for hope means believing change can happen. It means leaning forward into each day, fighting for traction, for momentum that can move us forward – even an inch.

It means going to counseling to find out why an addiction has a hold in our lives. It means believing that a day will come when that hold is broken.

It means eating well and taking care of ourselves. It means doing what is best, not easiest. It might mean moving closer to someone who is hurting, or it might mean pulling away from someone who is self-destructing.

Sometimes it means waiting.

But fighting for hope always means believing God will bring good where darkness meant it for evil.

I clearly remember the day God asked me to stop running and become a fighter for hope.

Before that day I knew that trials were part of life in this broken world and that God could help me through, but I had no clue that God would ever ask me to walk through a trial purposefully without knowing the outcome.

We were seven years into our marriage and the masks we’d been wearing were coming unglued and sins hidden too long in the dark began pouring out.

I wish I could say that I accepted my fighter of hope status with great zeal. Instead I sat weeping on the edge of my bed “I can’t do this. It’s too hard and it hurts too much. I want out.” And God answered me as clearly as if He’d said it aloud. “I want you to walk through this. I will be with you.”

That was 16 years ago this month. And the journey has been filled with chasms where I got lost, and mountain tops where I thought the trials were over. In the dark chasms I lost hope, I lost my footing, and forgot that God ever promised to be with me.

But he was with me through every step. He is still with me. And when I begin listening to lies whispered in those dark chasms He sends in truth so I can find my way out of the darkness.

Things do not have to stay where they are right now because God is a God who fully rescues, at all cost, buys back, and restores.

The beauty of redemption.

Do you have a Redemption Chapter in the story of your life? Or are you in the middle of a journey now? Can you see the beauty of redemption in your story?

Happy New Year!

As we move into a new year and I think about my blogging adventures, the word that comes to mind is thankful. I stepped into the blogging world in July and since then people from 30 countries around the world have clicked on my site. Around the world! It boggles my mind. I know that behind those numbers are real people who took time out of their busy lives to read my words. Real people who, hopefully, were encouraged or challenged by what they read.

Here’s a recap of the past few months on erinulerich.com:

I’ve had the opportunity to share parts of my life, my story, with my readers in hopes that they would find connection or encouragement through my words. I believe tracing God’s Hand through our story, through the dark times and the joyful times, is powerful.

I’ve written about one of my favorite topics : the importance of fighting for hope in our lives.

In October I joined an amazing community at www.write31days.com and wrote for an entire month about Truths That Make Life Beautiful. I divided the month into three truths: You are loved. You are not alone. You have purpose.

This was my first experience being in a blogging community, and I loved it. It was so much fun that I’m going to try it again. In the next few days I’m joining another community for a new series. I’ll share those details with you soon!

Thank you so much for reading my words, for your comments, and your “likes.” I want you to know that I pray for you as I write each post, because my desire is that my words would speak life to you and always, always, point your heart toward God.

I’m looking forward to walking into 2016 with you!

If you would like to receive my posts directly to your email, please click the Follow button on the sidebar.

Finding Hope in the Waiting (Part 2)

When we can’t see the end of the waiting, it is easy to lose hope. Finding Hope in the Waiting (Part 1) describes how God used a decade of waiting to draw me closer to Him.

During the waiting I was frustrated that God was making me wait. I let Him know just how frustrated I was, but I never took into account that He knows how hard waiting is. He knows because He also had to wait.

The first Christmas was the answer to a very long time of waiting on both sides of eternity. God’s people had been waiting for God to deliver them. And during all that time, He had been waiting too.

Throughout the Old Testament, His heart cry is repeated: “They shall be my people, and I will be their God.” And after all that waiting, at just the right time, He stepped into history. He stepped into our space and time, not to thunder from a mountain top, but to become one of us.

He came to deliver us, but also to be with us. To walk in this broken world, to feel the pull of sin, to feel every emotion we feel so that He can be with us in every way.

Why would He do this?

“Christ has put on our feelings along with our flesh, not only to show Himself to be truly man, but to be taught by that very experience how to help our miseries; and that, not because as Son of God He needed such instruction, but because only thus could we grasp the concern He has for our salvation. Whenever we are laboring under the infirmities of our flesh, let us bear in mind that the Son of God has experienced them too, to encourage us by His power in case we are overwhelmed by them.” (Calvin’s New Testament Commentaries, Hebrews and 1&2 Peter)

He did this to show us the depth of His love, grace, and mercy toward us. He walked in our shoes so that we would trust Him with our hearts.

This love, grace, and mercy is described in Hebrews 4:12-16.

^“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

After describing how nothing is hidden from God – not even the thoughts deep within our hearts that we would never bring to the light of day – in case we start to despair, the writer of Hebrews begins to describe how Jesus was tempted in every way as we are. He fought the battles waging inside of us – each one of us – and he WON! – not to gloat over us, but to say “I know the battle. Come closer and find your strength in Me. Come, and receive forgiveness. Take my hand and I will fill you with hope. Come to the throne of grace in your time of need, with confidence, to find help.”

What would our lives look like if we really believed that He is with us? If we felt His comforting arm around our shoulder when fear haunts us, when grief stalks us, when hopelessness threatens to drag us down?

Would things be different if we remembered that He also wrestled with fear, that He fought against grief, that He destroyed hopelessness so that we could too.

What if we cried out to Him and heard Him say, “I’m with you. We will walk through this together.” or “I created all that you see. I hold all things together. If I hold the molecules of your body together, I can work in the details of your life.”

And when we seek to know Jesus, we find it comforting that nothing is hidden from God, because it means that God knows everything about us. He ended the waiting time and became one of us so that we could know Him, too.

God is With Us

Linger in the beauty of this truth. Savor the sweetness. God is with us.

Finding Hope in the Waiting (Part 1)

I’ve done a lot of waiting in my life. In fact, I can divide my life into things I’ve waited for:

When I was a kid, waiting for Christmas and my birthday were the biggest waiting events, of course. As the years went by I waited for a boyfriend, waited for a husband, waited for a baby, waited for a cure, waited for healing, waited for answers, and I am sure there is more waiting to come.

Waiting, waiting, waiting. I should be good at it by now, right?

I stink at waiting.

I used to deal with waiting times by looking for a specific lesson in each period of waiting. I would tell myself “God is teaching me something. If I hurry up and learn it, the waiting will end.”

This formula for waiting was interwoven with another formula I lived by- a deal I made with God- the “If I do my best to live right, You will give me a good life” deal.

This formula for life worked somewhat until the waiting for a baby period of my life. When the wait reached beyond two years, I began looking for the lesson so that I could hurry up and learn it and become a mom. I was convinced that God was teaching me to be content. So here’s how the process unfolded.

I would work myself up into a state of great contentedness, and announce loudly about how content I was. After a while I would grow less content and pout and get angry and forget that I was supposed to be content. Then I would get mad because my formula wasn’t working, and, I would point out to God that He wasn’t keeping His part of the I do my best, You give me a good life deal. (Did I mention that God never actually agreed to this deal that I made up?)

Then after a while, I would go into another state of great contentedness and the cycle would go again. And again. And at the end of these cycles, my poor confused husband would say things like. “But yesterday you said you were content.” And I would throw things and yell really profound things like, “Well today I’m NOT!”

After 9 years and 2 miscarriages, I began to rethink my formula and my deal with God. Maybe something bigger was going on, something more than learning the lesson.

After one of our miscarriages, my husband very wisely pointed out (after making sure I didn’t have anything in my hands to throw), “Erin, your desire to be a mother is from God. He has given that to you, and He will put it to use in some way. It may not be through our own children. It may be through adoption, or teaching Sunday School, or being in a ministry to children, or in a way we can’t even see right now. But He will use it. It won’t be wasted.”

I believe God gave him those words, because they pierced right through my heart.

In all my formulaic-living and deal-making with God, I had forgotten that this was about more than wanting children. I had forgotten that God’s heart was toward me. That He had given this desire for His reasons. And He would bring His reasons about at just the right time.

And in those moments, when I pictured God’s tenderness toward me and His plans for me, trust began to grow. Before that moment, I trusted God with my salvation, but I didn’t really trust His heart for me in day-to-day life. Because of my deal (the one I made up), I was convinced that God was watching, waiting for me to slip up. I saw God as critiquing me instead of gazing lovingly at His child.

But when I caught a glimpse of His heart for me, my view of God changed. Instead of looking at God with my arms crossed defensively and my chin raised defiantly, prepared for His criticism, I could approach Him as a child, grasp His hand and say “I’m having trouble with this, will You help me?”

I’ve found that the times of waiting in my life have been about much more than learning the lesson. I have learned many lessons during the waiting times. But, more importantly, during the waiting I’ve learned to trust God’s heart toward me. And it makes me want to turn toward Him more and more.

I still stink at waiting, and I have been known to still throw an item or two, but I am finding that the more I focus on God’s love toward me, and trust His heart toward me, the more I get to know Him during the waiting times. And knowing Him is the deepest desire of my heart.

May the God of all hope and comfort draw you close during your waiting times too.

Celebrating Life

The 31 day writing challenge was a wonderful experience. I wrote about topics near and dear to my heart, and I met new friends from all over the world.

I must have lived in a writer’s fog for the entire month, because I emerged from the 31 day writing challenge on November 1, ready to resume “normal” life and here is what I found:

Overflowing laundry baskets, partially eaten hot pockets on paper plates scattered around the house (Did I feed my children vegetables even once in the last 31 days?), and project piles. I could tell where the 4th grader’s cereal box book report was created, where the 6th grader’s leaf collection was pieced together, and where I sat to scribble random thoughts at random times. And I’m pretty sure something waved at me from the bottom drawer of my fridge.

But all of this faded into the background when my 9 year old said, “Can we plan my birthday party now?”

Birthday parties are serious business at our house.

I LOVE birthdays. They are the only days in your life when people say “You’re alive! Let’s celebrate!”

You don’t have to do anything brilliant or creative or clever. You just have to be breathing.

Throwing a birthday party is a fun way I can tell my children ” I’m so glad you are here and I’m so glad I get to be your mommy!”

And in their world filled with expectations from school and chore lists from home, and questions like

“Are you ready yet?”

“Are you finished yet?”

“Come on, we need to go!”

They need a day to celebrate.

We’ve done princess birthdays,

pirate birthdays, and superhero birthdays. I’ve loved every one of them.

I also love my children’s birthdays because they remind me of God’s faithfulness. I spent a long time wondering if I would ever have children. Ten years, in fact, which feels like forever when you don’t know if the waiting will ever end. (Be sure to read Finding Hope in the Waiting .)

And this birthday felt important. Maybe it’s because Maggie is my middle child, the one who rarely finishes a sentence or makes a choice because she is sandwiched between two siblings who fully believe they can read her mind. Or maybe it’s because she’s at a point where she is questioning her own worth. I want to wrap her in my arms and say You are loved! You are not alone! You have purpose! I want to pour that truth into the depths of her heart.

So we celebrated Maggie’s double digit day in a big way.

When she hugged me at the end of the day and mumbled sleepily, “This was my best tenth birthday ever.” I knew we had celebrated well.

I’ve picked up all the paper plates with remnants of food (I think), and the project piles are gone. I’m still working up my courage to tackle the creature in the bottom of my refrigerator. But these things really are secondary, because 10 year old birthdays only come around once. Celebrating life is important.

I hope you find a way to make your day special, dear friend, for you, too, are worth celebrating.

You are loved. You are not alone. You have purpose.

Together on the Journey

I’ve heard it said that the Gospel is “one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread.” I love this quote, because it acknowledges that everyone is on the same level and that we have the same spiritual needs. This quote does away with the idea of “I’ve got it all together and now I will tell you how to get your life together.”

Instead this quote is the equivalent of “Hey! I’m going through that too, and here’s what I’ve discovered. Here’s the hope I’ve found.” When people can see God’s mercy and grace working in our lives they will be drawn to Him.

And that is what this 31 days of Truths That Make Life Beautiful has been about. These truths have made a difference in my life, and I wanted to tell others about them.

These are also truths that I have to keep reminding myself of. There are times when I feel alone, and I act like I’m alone. And it’s not pretty. I have to remind myself, or, more often “my people” respond to my rants with I’m with you. You are not alone in this. This is not the end. God is still good.

Thank you for going on this 31 day journey with me. I’m looking forward to continuing the journey as we point each other to the truths that make life beautiful, because we say what we think but we live what we believe.

You are loved. You are not alone. You have purpose.